It was holiday time but Santa felt like trashbecause he needed gifts but he didn’t have cash.So he hatched up a scheme that he thought could be funny:He’d build a U.S.-based fab for somesweet CHIPS Act money.
To start up he’d need funds that left him dazed,So he borrowed from billionsthat Sam Altman raised.To dream up the plans that would save the North Pole:A CPU partiallymade out of coal.
Santa bought plots of land — plum realtyin Arizona nearIntelandTSMC.He could get fab tools thatweren’t sent to Chinaand source quartz froma mine out in North Carolina.
Somehow Santa made the whole thing become real.He was building a fab and was offered a deal.But he thought local workers couldn’t do the job themselvesSobeyond Arizonans, he brought in some elves.
It was a move that the locals thought seemed pretty selfish.And to make things worsethey held meetings in Elvish!The locals would win by hem and by haw —Santa couldn’t get payouts if he broke labor law.
As the time stretched on Santa worried something was wrong.“I’ve invested my loans, this istaking too long!“With delays until the CHIPS act would pay out to suppliers,Santa had to show somehow thathe would have buyers.
He hadn’t thought that far, things weren’t going well.Santa brainstormed that his new fabcould merge with Intel.And in a moment of crisis and much indecision,He thought the North Polecould spin off the division.
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But then Santa’s worries increased tenfold,when the program’sfunding was put on hold.He needed to do something, the nice list was growing,And giving gifts wasn’t something he could be foregoing!
So Santa put on his gift-giving persona.He’d do it for the people of warm Arizona!He’d come up with a plan that used all his mightfor a holiday with snow cloaked in softSteam Deck white.
Instead of deciding he was facing defeatHe puts the fab’sassets in a huge Excel sheet.Then he reached out to friends who could help him do better,thoughOutlook crashed when he opened those emails together.
Themost valuable companiesandtheir execsweren’t exactly racing to write Santa checks.But with all of the goodness in all of their heartsthey agreed to buy up all of Santa’s fab’s parts.
He found a UPS worker who had been quite naughty,They’d used stoleniPhones to pay off their Audi.As part of an offer to stay out of jail,They offered Santa money as part of their bail.
With the help of the techies and even the thief,Santa could breathe a sigh of relief.So he put on his roomy red gift-giving pants,To help replace a rig that wasriddled with ants.
The elves packedMac MinisandAI PCs,andAMD’s Ryzen 7 9800X3Ds.While Santa and Mrs. Claus filled up the sleighWith PC peripherals tohelp Spielberg play.
Building a fab was more than Santa could take.He had felt asunstable as poor Raptor Lake.He’d stick to the projects he could easily clear,Like giving gifts to the world from the back of reindeer.
But just when he felt the year was becoming a ringerIntel went andpushed out CEO Pat Gelsinger.He left in a rush, and as he Arc’ed out the door,hereleased B580,promising B570and more.
No matter what you’re celebrating this year,Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas with cheer;We at Tom’s Hardware wish you the best.We’ll be at our benches, running our tests.
The Tom’s Hardware staff first published a holiday poem in2014on Christmas Eve. It was updated a little bit and published again each year at the same time. The poem was given a complete overhaul in2018and has been rewritten with new stories and references every year since. (Also see the versions from2019,2020,2021,2022, and2023.)
